Sunday, October 27, 2019

I'm Not A Good Traveler

I don’t travel much. I don’t particularly care for it. If I can see most landmarks in pictures or on television, that’s about all I need. Really. My favorite places or places where I’d like to go are more or less experiences and involve race tracks. And since NASCAR has moved the Cup race at Sonoma closer to our anniversary date, Chigs and I will eventually go out west. I’ve never been further west than Cincinnati. So, all you travel snobs go ahead and look down your nose at my uncultured ass. I don’t care. It all seems like a huge hassle to me.

I meant to write about this earlier this month, but I got lazy…

Chigs and I took some furniture to the oldest in Wilmington, NC. We packed up the CR-V with everything he requested and a few things he didn’t. We have usually crashed at his place even with the roommates, but my experiences with that weren’t exactly my idea of fun. So, we got a room at the Hampton Inn close to Waterman’s Brewing. We didn’t plan that. It was just a happenstance. Sweet, sweet happenstance.

The A/C in the room just couldn’t hang with my hotel ideals. When I’m not paying for the A/C, I want it COLD. I want to be able to chisel marble with my nipples. I set that baby at 65 and it could only manage a low of 68.

I have trouble sleeping in unfamiliar beds… Another issue that I have about traveling. I get a back ache that lasts until around lunchtime. But if the room is colder than a frozen ill-fated Mount Everest climber, I can sleep all snug and swaddled with warm blankets.

I like the breakfast gatherings in the morning. You get a nice mix of the peppy, washed, and clean travelers along with folks like me… Slipped on shoes and no concern about your hair looking as if you brushed it with a shotgun. But getting to actually eating breakfast can be an exercise in patience and understanding.

The first person that I encountered was dressed to the nines in a suit. He said, “If your looking for all the good stuff, it’s gone.”

I couldn’t understand what he was talking about. There was plenty of breakfast meats, omelets, and etc. As far as I could tell, they were out of muffins. Maybe that’s his trigger for disappointment.

I got myself a bowl and box of Kellogg’s Rice Krispies. I don’t eat cereal very often, but after having what they call an omelet the day before, I was having some cereal. The milk was in a small refrigerator unit about 10 feet away from where I procured the cereal and bowl. I navigated my way through clueless folks wandering around like The Walking Dead. Then this pale 90 some year-old bat with flaming auburn hair stepped right in front of the milk fridge. She took her sweet time getting the proper amount of oatmeal and then she broke out a plastic bag. She struggled to open the bag. Then she started opening pouches and pouring them onto her oatmeal. She pulled out some capsules, opened them, and poured them onto her oatmeal. A family member saw me behind her and said, “Maybe you can that at the table.”

I smiled even though inside I was screaming "Yeah, you perfumed old hag! Do that crap at your table where you’re not bringing someone else’s life to a screeching halt!”

And then there’s the coffee jerks. The ones that act as if they’re at the Build-A-Bear Workshop attempting to make the best cup of coffee humanly possible. They get their coffee and “play” with the many flavored non-dairy additives and they’re usually in pairs. They compare notes. They sip. Compare notes again. Get a squirt of this. Add some Stevia. Compare notes again. Good God people! Keep it moving!

I made a proclamation during that trip… I will continue being friendly to the folks at the breakfast food stations. But any of my attitudes and phrases may come out when encountering the coffee jerks. I have grown tired of them. Just get your coffee and move on. Move your chemistry experiences to maybe three to six feet out of everyone’s way.

So, yeah… Traveling is fun.

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