Short take reviews: 'Damien' and 'Hap & Leonard'

Let me say that I actually thought that I’d watch ‘Hap & Leonard’ and ‘Damien’ a lot sooner than last night. My only excuse was the fact that neither show planted a burning seed of desire in my massive, manly gut.

So lets start with A&E’s re-imagining of the ‘The Omen’ with their latest adaptation ‘Damien’.

We must pretend that ‘Damien Omen II’ and ‘The Omen III: The Final Conflict’ never happened. For viewers under 40, that comes easy. For viewers like me, it can be difficult. I grew up with those films.

Damien (Bradley James) is in Damascus and some old bag tells him the same thing his first nanny said just before she jumped off the house with a noose around her neck in front of horrified party goers. The old bag’s eyes go white and before Damien can get any further information, he is whisked away by a military force. He turns to see that she has disappeared.

Blah, blah, blah happens until he goes to an old professor’s (Sam Anderson) house with a sexy woman (Megalyn Echikunwoke). The old professor starts getting all religious on Damien. Damien retreats and there’s the old Rottweiler dogs waiting outside. The door magically opens and the dogs go inside to take care of business.

The show isn’t that interesting. The production values are just a few degrees better than ‘Tales From The Darkside’. When the professor gets his throat ripped out by the dogs, you may find yourself thinking… “Did they not have the budget for better retakes?”

Remember when Damien tried to kill his mother with his Big Wheel? Remember Damien screaming to get away from a church? How could he NOT know he's evil in his mid-20s?

Oh yeah, forget that the 'Damien The Omen II' never happened. (I also had some issues that film as well)

I went about 52 minutes before pulling the plug on ‘Damien’. I rate it 1.5 Tubes and only because of its proud lineage.

On to ‘Hap & Leonard’ on Sundance TV…

Based on the novels by Joe R. Lansdale, ‘Hap & Leonard’ stars James Purefoy (‘The Following’) and Michael Kenneth Williams (‘The Wire’). And I wanted to like it just for Mr. Williams who was GREAT as Omar on ‘The Wire’.

But after 25 minutes of Hap & Leonard playfully making racist remarks to each other I was officially bored. Christina Hendricks (‘Mad Men’) strolling around with her sexiness wasn’t enough to keep my attention.

The idea of seeing Hap & Leonard try to retrieve a million bucks that ended up in a river by a bridge just didn’t intrigue me enough to keep watching. The show just seemed like a buddy flick with a weak storyline. I suppose some people think the stereotypical racial jabs are funny, but I did not. Not because I have a problem with that type of thing. It just wasn’t funny or endearing to see how playful the characters are with each other.

‘Hap & Leonard’ is a complete waste of your time. It was certainly a waste of mine.

And the thing that sucks the most… Either Sundance TV isn’t in High-Def or DirecTV doesn’t carry the High-Def version. It was like I was watching the show with temporary cataracts.

How did we ever watch anything in the old standard definition?

‘Hap & Leonard’ gets .5 Tubes from me. If you haven’t watched, don’t bother.