Tuesday, February 04, 2020

I'm Becoming A Dust Bowl

The other night in bed, I asked my wife to scratch my back. The itch was between the shoulder blades. Unless you’re a contortionist, you cannot get that itch scratched fast enough. You’ll use a barbed wire wrapped baseball bat to scratch that itch if that’s the nearest tool to use. Even a flaming piece of wood.

She was scratching and I was practically kicking my leg like I was starting a dirt bike because it felt so good. She said, “Honey, you’ve got dry skin.” And she stopped scratching.

“Well, don’t quit scratching,” I said.

Then she said something about my skin coming off.

“Wait… what? My skin is coming off? Is it coming off in sheets? Is it flaking off? How much am I losing?? Dammit, I need my epidermis!”

“Stop being a baby,” She said. “It’s been cold and your skin just got a little dry. You’re getting older.”

How can my skin get dry between the shoulder blades? How does that happen?

I keep a shirt on most of my waking hours. I produce heat and humidity under that shirt. What the hell? How am I suddenly becoming too arid??

After visions of me cracking up like drying mud in the desert, I eventually fell asleep. But how can this happen? Is this why women are constantly slathering up with lotion?

I’m just into my 50s and I’ve only experienced dry hands during the colder months. I’m drinking nearly a gallon of water every day now. Is this a sign of things to come? Do I now need regular checkups with a dermatologist?

I NEED to keep my skin soft and supple. Do the makers of Oil of Olay offer daily capsules to take orally?

I don’t want to stain my clothing or become slicker than an eel. I’ve seen the way women slather up. It’s like they’re greasing up a damn axle for a big ass truck. I had a girlfriend that would get out of the shower, grab a 5-gallon bucket of Aveeno daily moisturizer, and a start applying that stuff onto her body with a bricklayer’s trowel.

Is this a normal thing as we age? Or has my lack of moisturizing caught up with me? Does this kind of thing happen to you?

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