Alice In Chains 'Dirt'

Have you ever seen the “reality” series ‘The Dead Files’ on the Travel Channel?

It features this chick named Amy, a retired detective named Steve, and the “cleaner” named Matt.

Steve retired after 21 years with the NYPD and he’s also a licensed private investigator. His job on ‘The Dead Files’ has him investigating the history of the place where the episode takes us. He’ll interview the current owners, some of the neighbors, the local historians, and hit the library for all the information that could explain the paranormal activity wherever the crew is investigating.

Steve’s investigation takes place earlier and is separate from Amy’s. They do not have any contact until they spring their findings on the current owners at one time.

Matt comes along before Amy and he takes out any types of photos or other mementos that could influence her walk-thru and communications with the spirits during her investigation. He’ll turn frames down and take them off the walls. He hides anything that could taint the investigation.

When it’s time for Amy’s arrival, he documents her walk-thru with his video camera. Why exactly, I’m not sure because there are other video camera operators along for the investigation. I suppose it’s something for him to do and keeps him on the payroll.

Amy usually arrives with Matt and starts “picking up on things” before she actually gets to the investigation location. She acts strangely and makes a lot of faces. And when I when I write “a lot of faces”, I mean A LOT of faces. The faces she makes are almost comedic. There’s a lot of showing teeth. There are a lot of hard core pornographic “O” faces and she waves her hands around excessively. Her eyes will widen to the point that you think her eyeballs will just fall right out of her sockets.

Amy claims to communicate with the dead folks and picks up on evil entities. When she “discovers” the horrible things, she really makes the faces. So much so that when I was watching it with my nephew Preston, he asked, “Uncle Gene… Is she crazy?”

Cut back to Steve… He’s digging through information with neighbors and local historians. He’ll find the little anecdotes and photographs to bring to the “reveal”. And if Steve senses that someone isn’t quite telling him the truth or is holding something back, he’ll just stand there with a look that intimidates folks into spilling their beans. Yeah, you can tell that he’s done that sort of thing professionally.

After Amy completes her walk-thru on the premises, she’ll get together with a local sketch artist to draw a portrait of the main “spirit” that captures her attention. She’ll make more funny faces and when the artist asks her if that’s what she saw, Amy will make a wide-eyed face and gives the affirmative as a dramatic musical stab hits. Then it goes to commercial. We’re not allowed to see the portrait at that time.

What a tease!

When they come back from the commercial break, Amy and Steve announce their findings to the folks that called for the investigation. There are a lot of wide eyes, hand holding, gut wrenching tears, and plenty of musical accents to go along with the looks that everyone gives to each other. It’s really quite hilarious.

Amy and Steve seem to have matching stories while everyone looks at each other with twisted, pained, and shocked faces. Steve will toss out a few photographs and then we get to see the sketch from the artist. Sometimes it’s dead on and other times… Let’s just say that it’s good to suspend your disbelief.

Amy will then give the lowdown as to whether the spirits mean them harm or not. She’ll usually advise that they have a priest or shaman to come in to cleanse the place. Or she’ll tell them to get out as soon as possible. If they follow the advice, things will generally calm down or subside all together. I haven’t seen too many that stick it out without taking her advice so I cannot comment on that end of the spectrum.

Whether you believe in that sort of thing or not, it’s very entertaining. And by entertaining, I mean hilarious. I love the faces and I really love the job they do editing all the musical nuances to punctuate the faces and discoveries.

Give it a shot. You know, if you’ve got nothing else better to do.