Sunday, September 16, 2012

Live 'Throwing Copper'

I recently had my first physical in over 5 years. I now have health insurance and since it was determined that I have high blood pressure within the last year, it would be a good idea for me to get that physical and have a little blood work done.

I haven’t been good at taking care of my health. As a matter of fact, I have been abusing my body as if it were a used Gremlin. I don’t eat all that healthy, I drink alcohol like some people drink water, and I only get exercise when someone forces me away from the television.

I told the doctor that I was fully expecting bad news and willing to nod my head to the lecture that would be forthcoming. After all, 30 some years of abuse had to stack the odds against me.

I just knew deep within my dark little heart, my cholesterol would be excessively high and like bacon grease flowing slowly through my veins. After the nurse filled a vial with my blood, I was shocked to see something that looked like vanilla pudding at the bottom of the tube.

I asked, “Did that stuff come out of ME??! That’s REALLY bad news isn’t it?”

“Yes,” she said calmly.

I knew the folks in the waiting room could have heard my gulp after she alarmed me. But then she let me off the hook with a laugh and told me that the stuff at the bottom of the vial was a substance that helps separate all the things in my blood.

It’s a rare thing finding senses of humor in a medical office and I found that rather refreshing even though it was at my expense.

I was more than relieved. I just knew that my blood probably had the same properties of the gravy from KFC.

I left the office with a good feeling and went on to work.

I knew the other shoe was going to drop soon and I decided to abuse my body for one more day. I had BoJangle’s for breakfast and McDonald’s for dinner. I got the fries with both meals. I was going to get in as much junk food as I could before the drastic changes were to be implemented to stave off my untimely death.

I kept expecting my phone to ring with an urgent message to come by the doctor’s office for a chat that needed to be done face to face.

That call never came.

I got the report in the mail the following Saturday. I looked at the envelope and thought to myself… Well, it can’t be all that bad since they didn’t call me into the office. So lets take a deep breath, rip it open, and read the bad news.

This is what I got at the top of the report: “I have reviewed all the lab results which are normal to stable. Your cholesterol profile was great.”

To be honest, I was more shocked than elated.

With the history of diabetes on my father’s side of the family, I was expecting some bad news there too. But it was all good news. Of course, I’m convinced that they got my blood confused with someone else’s.

I am eating better and I’m trying to talk myself back into getting some exercise everyday. I’ve laid back on my alcohol intake and I’m trying to stay away from excessive sodium. Those two are very difficult for me. I like my beer and just about everything I eat resides on the list of things that I should eliminate from my diet. I’m just not a veggie eater, but I’m going to give better eating a shot as best as I possibly can.

There are a lot of people left in the world that I haven’t annoyed yet.

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