B-52's 'Cosmic Thing'

I got some good news and bad news last Friday from a licensed medical doctor…

The good news… I don’t have melanoma. The growth and skin discoloration is the result of a wart. Yes… A wart. I felt kind of stupid, but I guess it’s good to be cautious when it comes to things that rhyme with lancer.

The bad news… For the first time in my life, my blood pressure was high.

HIGH!

WTF?!

I’ve always prided myself on having a BP just two ticks over being dead. My blood pressure has ALWAYS been low and in some cases over the years, being almost too low.

The doctor said that it could be from stress and I would have to agree with that assessment. I was concerned about the big “C”, a little ticked off with the front office staff because I sat around for 30 minutes waiting for them to get their butts into gear, and since I’m basically unemployed… I have no income. So I think that it’s safe to say that I’m a little stressed.

Am I going to take any chances?

Hell no!

I’m making some changes, baby. As much as life sucks sometimes, I really like walking around above ground instead of making cameo appearances in men and baby movies.

As much as I hate to, I’m going to have to say “toodles” to red meat. I’ve always enjoyed a slice of hot dead cow, but for me to remain in this earthly realm it’s “bye-bye Bessie”.

When I turned 40... I changed a lot of my eating habits. Since I made it alive and relatively healthy to that point, I felt it necessary to make some changes. I had abused my body enough and it was time for some payback. But the diet change stuck like a Post-It in a hurricane. I went back to my old ways in less than 2 years. Those damn Sirens of the fryer kept singing and calling; causing me to crash my ship upon their crusty and delicious deep fried rocks. Those damn bitches know I’m weak.

There’s just something about hearing about a “problem” that makes one get their ass into gear about getting healthier. And when you start talking about the ticker and the goop that it pumps… Well ladies and gentlemen, the change starts now.

The world is now a bland and tasteless lump of healthy. My diet is now the official equivalent of Pat Boone. The only thing missing is the white belt… Because it came from a cow.