Elvin Bishop 'Struttin' My Stuff'

I’m not sure, but I think forces in the Universe have turned against my right arm.

You’re probably thinking that I’m crazy… But it’s weird how my right arm has been injured during the last 3 days.

Instead of venturing out in the elements this past Saturday… Snow, freezing rain, and sleet… I decided to keep my ass at home. After watching We Are Marshall, I decided to grill myself a bologna and cheese sandwich. As I was putting the sandwich together, I inadvertently parked my right forearm in front of a cast iron kettle that was spewing out steam. It was my own dumbassery. I just didn’t notice it.

The steam burned me pretty damn good. There’s now a purple and red spot on my right forearm about the size of a quarter. And let me tell ya… Dragging a soapy pouf across it is slightly painful. But I can take it… I’m a MAN, dammit!

This morning… I was getting a bowl from the dish drainer by the sink. The dishes rattled and without warning… A glass shattered. It freaking SHATTERED!

It wasn’t knocked around. It wasn’t hit by anything. The drinking glass simply exploded like an oversensitive land mine.

The sound and explosion of glass startled me. I took a step back, but once I realized that glass was spread out at least 6 feet from where it exploded from… I moved very cautiously.

My left thumb felt like it had been hit because it was stinging on the left side of the thumbnail. There was nothing but calloused meat there so there was no blood. Then I looked at my other hand and found that I had been nicked above the right wrist just on the outside of the heel of my hand. It was bleeding pretty well. I was also nicked and bleeding in the inside center of my forearm.

I’m thinking that harmonics from the rattling dishes bounced around inside of the thin glass and caused it to explode like the glass on those old Memorex commercials. So I’m taking things very cautiously… Unlike this guy (Please be advised... Graphic traffic related death).

--I went out and did it Sunday… I purchased that television.

I’m not the kind of guy who wants the biggest and best thing out there. I don’t care about digital or high-def… I care about seeing it and that’s it. I mean, yeah… I can tell a difference, but I just don’t care. Top of the line means shelling out big bucks for something that will go unnoticed and unappreciated once the “newness” has been shaken off.

I spent close to $700 bucks for a 32” television.

I ordered it online because the television advertisements gave me the idea that once it was purchased and confirmed to be in the store… All I had to do was show up and pick that bitch up and it wouldn’t be much longer after that… I’d be kicking back with an adult beverage and watching Black Book from Netflix.

That was not the case.

I ordered the thing from home in my lounge pants and a t-shirt. Then I got a shower and changed before meeting the fine folks who just received an outrageous (in my mind) amount of money for a television. Total time between making the order and arriving at the store… 117 minutes.

When I got there, I reported to the customer service desk. Where they confirmed my purchase with my ID and card used to purchase the item. No problem. Then I was instructed to stand by the unused register 2 and someone would bring my TV up front.

Huh?

From the impression I got from the ads… Your purchase would be there and ready for IMMEDIATE pick-up. Right at the counter! I ended up waiting the about the average length of a Ratt song (about 4 minutes for those who do not know) before it was brought out from the back.

It took one skinny lady to bring it up front on a hand truck. She followed me outside to my truck parked out front. She sat it down and I asked if it was heavy… She said no.

The box was about a yard long and it looked heavy. When I picked it up, I lifted it up quickly and comically as if it were an empty suitcase. The damn thing weighed about as much as a Costco case of toilet paper!

I got it home, dismantled the whole set-up, took out the old TV, and put in the new one all within 15 minutes. Simple and easy. It didn’t take long before that beverage was in hand.

But today I’m suffering from PTVPD… For those who haven’t experienced it yet… That’s Post-TV-Purchase-Depression and it only affects those on a limited budget who shell out more than $300 bucks for a much needed new television.

Welcome to the digital age, mofos!