Tuesday, July 10, 2007

'The Non-Conformist Cult Radio Show' 9/28/01

We have a weird squirrel at work. The crazy thing will hang off the window ledges upside down and look inside building towards you. And yesterday, I walked in the front office to run a few copies… That joker was sitting on the ledge staring back at me. He was unafraid and eating a mushroom. It must have been one of the hallucinogenic types of mushrooms because I felt like he was looking directly at my soul. I couldn’t take it! I threw my ATM card at him and yelled out my PIN number. He didn’t budge and left my ATM card alone.

And since then, I haven’t stopped thinking about squirrels. I even told our receptionist Nicole about the time I saved the life of a squirrel.

I was about 12 or 13 years old in seventh grade. It was after school and I was watching The Beverly Hillbillies in my room. My sisters came running into the house yelling about 2 squirrels that were drowning in a 50 gallon barrel out in the woods. They had been watching the two squirrels chase each other around the woods when both fell into the barrel that was half full with collected rainwater.

I felt as if I had been called to duty… I had to see this and if there was anything I could do to help our furry friends of the woods.

At the time, I didn’t realize how a big pain in the ass those little rodents were… Now I wouldn’t think twice about letting them enjoy their watery grave.

I raced out to the barrel with my sisters in tow. I looked inside to find one of the squirrels gone… Dead. The other was clinging to life as he floated on the surface with a slight twitch. It seemed as if he was reaching for anything to save its life. I answered the call and reached in to pull it out. I took it to our backyard and climbed into the back of my dad’s 1963 Chevy truck. I stood in the bed and used the roof of the truck as a table. I then proceeded to perform a modified version of CPR… I placed the squirrel on its back and pressed my thumbs just under its ribcage. I would push inwards and upwards to force the water out of the squirrels lungs. I could see the water coming out of its mouth and nose. It was making some strange noises and I was wondering if I was hurting it. But I surmised that possibly saving its life was more important than whatever minor discomfort I was causing the little fella.

I remember it coughing or hacking some water up and it started to move around in a very sluggish manner. It was trying to get back to its feet. I got one of my sisters to retrieve and old towel and instructed the other to find a box for it. I thought the joker was going into shock and I wanted to keep it warm. I wrapped it up and placed it into the box. I kept a watchful eye over it and news had spread to the other neighborhood kids so they came by to see the squirrel. And after about an hour, the squirrel got so feisty that I turned the box over to let it go in the backyard. That little guy took off like a bullet from a rifle and headed up the nearest tree. He was obviously all right and that was the day I saved the life of another living creature.

And just this morning as I was walking down the driveway, I got to thinking about squirrels and their excretory habits. I mean… They’re not like birds. They’re not crapping all over the place. When was the last time you walked out and saw a load of squirrel crap on your car?

I have never seen a squirrel take a squirt or drop a loaf. I know they do it, but where?

You’d think that every time you’re in the woods that you would be literally bombarded by squirrel droppings, but that’s simply not the case. Do they find a hollow place in the tree to use as a lavatory? Do they do their business on the ground?

I don’t even know why my brain is consumed with the bathroom habits of squirrels.

Is this normal?


  1. Anonymous5:10 AM

    First I was "oh, squirrels." Then the story got interesting (as they usually do when involving the line, "I was about 12 or 13 years old..." Then I was worried, in the back of my mind, that maybe the 12 or 13-year old you may have given a squirrel mouth-to mouth. Luckily, you did not. Then, I was amazed at how far you went to save a squirrel. And finally, I was intrigues with the questions of "Where do squirrels crap and "why have I never thought about that?" That's deep.

    And then I did some research. One "where do squirrels go to the bathroom" Google later and here is what I found: "Squirrels, like all rodents, have very small droppings. Their droppings are dry. They are about the size of a raisin, and light brown in color. Since the squirrel is outdoors, and always moving, squirrel droppings can be difficult to find. Although both animals are rodents, you can distinguish squirrel droppings from mouse droppings, because mouse droppings are small, about the size of an ice-cream sprinkle. Squirrel droppings are much bigger. Unfortunately, squirrel droppings are often mistaken for rabbit droppings, and are very similar in
    appearance." Read more here!" The more you know.....

  2. Anonymous10:28 AM


    You failed to mention that we held a service for the squirrel that didn't make it. Complete with bible readings and everything. Good memory. Thanks!!


  3. Anonymous11:36 AM

    Where do squirrels drop a deuce? That's easy. Come check out the railing on my back yard deck. It is there where you will find your answer.

  4. Thank you Kim for that wonderful dedication and information. Looks as if I will easily find sleep when I go to bed.

  5. Pam,

    I don't remember that so I'm thinking that I wasn't part of the celebration of life and rememberance.