Two Of My Head Scratchers

Here are a few things that I don’t understand…

People who sneeze with every vocal cord. You know the type and chances are good that you’re living with one right now. This individual makes the act of sneezing sound like a split-second dog fight just happened. My father is like that. When he sneezes inside his home, you can hear him at least one hundred feet away from the house. And if you’re not aware that he’s about sneeze with the blasting force of a steam whistle, you could very well change the color and odor of your under garments.

Well, as luck would have it, the MIL does the same thing. The first time that I heard her I thought she had fallen and hurt herself in a bad way. I rushed into the room to find her sitting in her usual spot watching her murder porn. When I asked about the godawful scream that I heard, it was just her sneezing. I hear it all time and yet it always causes me to pause with concern almost every time. I can hear her sneeze from one end of the house to other. I can hear her sneeze when I’m upstairs and she’s downstairs in the laundry room with two doors shut.

So, what is it about folks that have to incorporate their vocal cords into their sneezes? They don’t have to get their voice box involved when they’re breathing, so what’s the deal?

Food truck festivals are another thing that I don’t understand. I got into a bit of a pissing match with some Facebook folks that are obviously infatuated with standing in long lines and waiting a long time to eat food prepared in a mobile kitchen. As a person that eats for sustenance the major part of my day, I don’t get this at all. I have eaten out of food trucks all over the southeast for decades, but it wasn’t all that popular as it is with the hipsters these days. The food was just food. That’s all food really is to me. I’m bun people and I’m quite picky even though my manly girth suggests overwise.

I made the mistake of not taking a lunch with me to an event that I was covering with a radio station that I was working with about five years ago. Since I was hungry, I decided that it was time to eat and headed for the corral of hungry, hungry hipsters where the five food trucks were parked. Since this was a small event, I only had to wait 30 minutes to place my order. And when I told the people inside the truck that I wanted a simple, no frills cheeseburger, they gave me that look… You know the look. The look that comes down their nose of high and mighty sophistication. They couldn’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want grilled, Transylvanian virgin onions or passion fruit jelly on one of their mobile kitchen prepared cheeseburgers. And then I waited another 45 minutes to pick up my order.

What turns me off the most, I think, is the waiting time involved. Your beverage has been exhausted by that point. You’ve only grown hungrier and you’re staring at feral cats across the way as a possible appetizer. I just don’t get it.

And when you put a lot of trucks together in one location, hipsters swarm the joint like locusts feeding in the plains. I cannot imagine the waiting times involved, but hey, it’s their time to waste.

I seriously believe that if someone were to serve warmed up Pop Tarts for $5 and bowls of cereal with various assortments of milk available for $7, those hipsters would line up around the block for the privilege to fork over their disposable income for overpriced food like I described. It seems just that ridiculous to me.

The Beach Boys 'Live: The 50th Anniversary Tour'

I achieved a “first” over the weekend. It’s really not that exciting of a first since EVERYONE does it… I ordered lunch out of a food truck.

It was merely out of necessity. I didn’t pack a lunch since I didn’t think of it until I had to leave the house early Saturday morning. My peanut butter sandwich would have been a lot cheaper than my close to ten dollars experience, but it wasn’t all that bad.

Food trucks seem to be the thing these days. I’m sure if the Man/Boy Love Association had a food truck rodeo, people would lose their minds. But not in the right way, like protesting such an event. No. I do believe people would show up in droves just for the privilege of eating food prepared in a truck.

I’ve known people to go to these things and wait 45 minutes just to place their order. And that’s a STANDING wait!

Is that not crazy??

I saw no rhyme or reason to the process. There just seemed to be a pool of people standing around like herd animals in an invisible pen. I found a place that looked like the end of some line and a hipster couple was determined to get in front of me.

She said, “I believe that I was here before you.”

“You know,” I said trying to give her a face that put across an idea of caring less, “I’m sure that will speed up the process. Ordering a minute before I do will make all the difference in the world. So please, be my guest.”

The guy behind me whispered to me, “She’s a bitch. All she’s done is put down her husband.”

So yeah… With no apparent line, the food truck bully comes shining through. Stanchions would have been nice. I mean, if you’re gonna herd people at these food truck rodeos you may as well guide them to keep the masses from fighting and scraping about their places in line.

And once I placed the order, I just stood around listening to hipsters pontificate on things like books, vinyl records, beer, and food trucks. I wanted to wash that hipster stink from body, but Calgon never took me away.

One hipster girl had a t-shirt with Vladimir Lenin and a bottle of Heinz 57 ketchup. The image was red on white. And yes, that got her a few chuckles from her hipster buds that were cool enough to “get” the t-shirt.

I felt slightly out of place with my WVU polo and Samsung Galaxy III-S.

Eventually, my order came up. I had a “Breakfast Burger” that had cheese, a fried egg, and to top it off the choice of bacon or sausage. I went with bacon because sausage just seemed bigger and saltier.

It was good, but I would have rather had a Thickburger from Hardee’s where the wait is a lot shorter… Believe it or not. I could feel the gray hair pushing through my scalp during the wait.

I had limited choices at this event over the weekend. There was some kind of pita truck where nothing on the menu looked pleasing to me. Then there was this silver truck (more like a trailer) with “monster” decals on it and the menu was too pricey. The other one was just right. It had stuff that I would eat and the prices were right there with a sit-down restaurant.

Over all… My expectations of the food coming from that particular food truck didn’t live up to the hype that was given to me by friends. Yes, yes I’m sure that if I got the one with peanut butter and spicy jelly everything would have been rosier. When ten bucks is on the line with something I’ve never tasted, I’m not going there. I’m just not. I prefer to be risky with my drinking and sex.

I didn’t get the clouds parting with angels singing like a choir when I took that first bite from food truck grub. Cherubs didn’t rush in to tickle my neck as the food was being swallowed. Jesus wasn’t there to pat my back so that I could burp. I saw nor tasted anything that made me want to attend a food truck festival… I believe “rodeo” would be the correct term since it attracts so many sheeple.


But hey, some people like the novelty. I’ve seen food trucks my whole life, but never ate from one unless you count the Airliners that are in a permanent spot. I have eaten from my fair share of those roadside stands.

And that’s all I think it is… Novelty. It’s new to some people and for some others, it seems to be a way of proving one’s “foodieness”.

I’ll pass unless it’s out of necessity.