Tuesday, July 31, 2018

The MIL Part Two - 'Housecoat Means Perpetually Home'

I had all intentions of writing up an update yesterday, but I ended up taking my father-in-law to the VA over in Kernersville. It was great to see how it all worked because not being a veteran, I had no idea what it’s all about. I was impressed with the building and the layout, but the waits were the type that cause moss to grow all over your ass. So, I know why it can take up a good chunk of his day.

This morning I was watching the season one finale of Netflix’s ‘Ozark’ when the MIL knocked on the bedroom door. Of course, that sent the dogs leaping into loud barking action at 7:10 AM. I asked, “Yes?”

“Where’s Jamie?” she answers back with a question. It’s always a question back answer with her and Jamie. It must be burned deep into their DNA.

Just the other week I was trying to put new and expensive flea collars on the dogs. Lucy has no problem, but anything to do with a collar or leash for CJ requires just about the same effort of roping a running calf while on horseback. So, Lucy trotted off with her new collar. The constantly housecoat clad MIL strutted across the room towards the kitchen with CJ by her side and I quickly asked, “Can you hold CJ so I can put this collar on?”

“Why?” was her exact response.

“Because I asked,” I said with a WTH look on my face.

Anyway, I was puzzled because she should be able to hear the shower running (I believe that her hearing is fading because of the collar response) from the hallway. I answered the MIL back this morning with “She’s in the shower. What’s up?”

Well, it turned out that the MIL was worried about the tag on her car. It will be officially expired at midnight. And I believe that the MIL has the impression that a SWAT team will descend upon our house at 12:01 AM, present a search warrant that’s attached to a canister of tear gas that will be launched through her bedroom window, grab her, and whisk her away to the clink.

It was forgotten about. It happens. So, I halted my season finale of ‘Ozark’ during a pivotal scene to calm some worries. Finding the renewal letter and going online in order to renew them took all of about 10 minutes. Sure, we’ll have a to wait a while until the sticker arrives in the mail. But it sure beats the hell out of driving to the License Plate Agency in Lexington to stand in line for who knows how long.

I got back from a meeting this morning with Tim Beeman and the MIL thanked me for putting the sticker on her license plate. She misinterpreted the 7/18 sticker as the new one. I explained that I renewed it online and they’ll be here, if we’re lucky, by the weekend. That seemed to send another wave of panic over her as she asked, “I can’t drive the car until then?”

First of all, it’s not like she’s going anywhere. When it comes to racing out of the driveway to do something outside of our home a sloth would beat her to the road. That’s why she’s constantly in a housecoat. She goes nowhere. And if she does drive 10 minutes up the road to Clemmons you’d think that she was hitching a team of horses to a wagon for a full day's ride to town and back.

“If the cops pull you chances are good that they’ll run your tag to find out that you have in fact renewed them,” I said. “They’ll just beat on you a little bit, cuff you, and stuff you in the car just to be on the safe side first. Then once they find out that you’re not Ma Barker you’ll be free to go.”

She must believe that they’ve staked out a piece of Clemmons just to apprehend her and her lawless Taurus. I don’t know. I’ve never seen someone so “by the book” when it comes to things like that, ya know?


  1. We LOVE the VA hospital in Kernersville! We've never waited more than 5-7 minutes.

  2. Our wait the other day was 42 minutes. He was in and out in 10 minutes.