Monday, June 17, 2013

Various Artists 'Girls Gone Wild Music: Volume 1'

In case you missed it, I’m “Bun People”. Bun People typically get most of their nutrition from foods featured in buns. Sandwiches, burgers, cheeseburgers, chopped BBQ, brisket, chicken, and so on. Bun People don’t require sides unless they have been deep-fried. And Bun People can eat on-the-go or standing around. The preferable setting is in front of the television.

But I also fall into another category… “The Picky Eater”.

As Chigger puts it, I eat like a toddler. Sure, I’ll try new things out but I’m very picky about what’s in the foods. I’m pretty much locked out of the worlds of Italian, Mexican, Thai, Spanish, Greek, and Japanese foods. I don’t eat peppers, onions, iceberg lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, and long list of other garden items. And when I find a restaurant that I like, I tend to order the same thing every visit. I rarely stray from the tried and true. I figure that if it has served me well, it’ll serve me well again. No surprises. No demands… Eating is a battlefield.

There’s a lot of free food that comes my way in the radio business. For the most part, it’s doughnuts and pizza with a good helping of bun foods. I’ve always been good with that, but I’m fully prepared for disappointment. I bring a “back-up meal” with me.

For some reason, people believe that everyone on the planet likes all the things that come standard with most foods. Generally speaking, lettuce, onions, and the worst offender of them all… Pickles. Those items are found on just about everything. It’s like restaurants are giving these disgusting things away with the purchase of anything on a bun.

Recently I ate a spinach salad while my coworkers chowed down on some mighty fine smelling pizza that was brought into work and baked before our eyes. Hot and fresh! And it smelled really, really good.

I didn’t have a bite.

I don’t bother with the “pulling things off” maneuver, because the once delicious items retain the flavors of things offensive to my palate. I simply can’t enjoy a food when meats, cheeses, and breads give me flavor pockets of vileness.

I just can’t wrap my head around why every pizza brought in featured a slew of garden items. Usually, there’s at least one plain cheese pie along with one that features just pepperoni. Sometimes, if I’m lucky, there will be one with 5 meats with no veggies.

It’s a curse that I have come to terms with. I rarely accept dinner invitations. Going to someone’s house for dinner is like playing Russian roulette with a fully loaded revolver. I don’t want to be rude so if I’m in that situation, I choke down the meal as fast as possible so that I can’t taste the offensive items. By fast as possible, that means very little chewing. And I have to deal with the foods again when the burps eventually come… Know what I mean?

Fruits are a different issue and that’s because they’re not really a main dish or used in those dishes. They can be easily avoided.

Some other foods were brought in for us to talk about on the air recently. We got sandwiches from a place known for their steak & cheese as well as their French fried potaters.

The fries were excellent! Skins on and fresh! I RAVED about their fries on the air.

I couldn’t say a word about the sandwich.

I meant to tell the salesman about my debilitating curse, but never got the chance. He ordered and delivered the food for the air “talent”. A-hem.

So the steak & cheese came loaded with onions, peppers, and tomatoes. I immediately handed it over to a coworker that seemingly has no qualms about eating such vile things. He was nice enough to half the sandwich with another coworker and they were VERY pleased.

The salesman came back later and asked, “What did you think of the sandwich?”

“The fries were awesome,” I replied. “The sandwich was passed off to Spencer. It was loaded with things that I don’t eat.”

I didn’t want anyone in that food chain to be offended. I just wasn’t asked what I wanted on the sandwich. No big whoop. I had my back-up meal in place… A spinach salad with chunks of tuna and all was good. No surprises. No demands.

2 comments:

  1. Eugene. There is no vegetable in the world that is deserving of such hate (except Brussel Sprouts. They're the devil). I mean really. Once you saute green peppers, onions and mushrooms to put on top of a sandwich, they've really lost ALL nutritional value and are nothing more than ornamental decoration. And furthermore (damn that's a mom word) if you don't like them, take the damn things OFF the sandwich. It's like a bottle of cheap wine. After you've had a glass (bite) it all tastes the same.

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    1. I LOVE Brussel Sprouts! Saute those jokers just stink up the entire house for hours. Yuck! Mushrooms, I eat. The rest... I've had my fill of those in this lifetime so, no thanks. As for taking them off, refer back to part where meats, cheeses, and breads retain the flavors of those offensive items. You can take them off, but the flavor molecules are left behind.

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