'Sugar-Filled Cavities' A mix tape by Chip Kinney

Before getting to work, I decided to stop by Subway for my “junkie dusted” 6” Monterrey Cheddar tuna sandwich. Instead of hitting my favorite location on Battleground Avenue, I hit the one on N. Elm St. near Pisgah Church Rd.

I have found that I like going to work that way better. I don’t get caught up in the tangle of stoplights where Battleground and Lawndale do their thing. I’ve gotten to where I absolutely despise that whole area with the exceptions being the Lawndale Drive-In, Hardee’s, Moe’s, and IHOP. When you’re driving through, it is simply a Boeing-sized pain in the ass.

The strip mall on N. Elm where the Subway is located has the parking arranged in a crazy way. Therefore, I placed a small red “x” on the score sheet in my mind’s eye. I found a good spot for Roxy and made my way inside the store. Although there were two people ahead of me, I was immediately asked what I would like.

Without hesitation, I spat it out… “6-inch tuna on Monterrey Cheddar with only American cheese.”

The man behind the counter started his work. When he dipped the ice cream scoop into the tuna well, he came up empty. He walked behind the counter, checked a closet, came back, and said, “You’re not gonna believe this… We’re out of tuna.”

How could they be out of tuna? It is still a renewable resource! The oceans are teeming with tuna. Hell, across the street at the Harris Teeter, there’s probably a whole section of nothing but canned tuna. There is probably a movement to save the “Tuna Boy’s lovechild” on the cover of the Weekly World News right now. Tuna is plentiful!

My mind was boggled and my heart sank because I seriously needed my fix. I simply looked him in the eye, told him that it was okay, and walked out.

You’re probably thinking to yourself… Why didn’t you order another sandwich?

I couldn’t do it. I’ve never been pleased with anything else at Subway simply because I don’t eat a lot of vegetation. When you get a cold cut sandwich, they will pile it high with lettuce, tomatoes, olives, oils, vinegars, sprouts, and an array of other condiments. When I get a cold cut sandwich, it is flatter than an Odor Eater because I don’t put any of that junk into my Sex Machine. I would have to get double meat, charged more, and still not be happy with the sandwich.

I walked out, got into my truck, and headed towards my favorite Subway on Battleground. I had to have my weekly Subway fix! And let me tell ya… They had plenty of tuna!

I may never visit the N. Elm location again. Not because they were out of tuna this one time, but also because they didn’t have Cherry Coke on the drink dispenser. I’m afraid that location is in sad shape.

And since I now have the means to do so... That is the cover of today's musical selection.