Blondie ‘Autoamerican’

Coup and I worked two different wedding gigs over the weekend. The one on Saturday was actually the reception and Sunday’s was the ceremony and reception.

I wasn’t too keen on working the Sunday gig because the NASCAR race was taking place at my favorite track, Talladega Super Speedway. But Coup needed the assistance and I could use the extra buckage. So I taped the race and managed to go through the day without hearing anything about it. I didn’t hear who had won. I didn’t hear about any big crashes. I didn’t hear a damn thing. And I didn’t happen by a television where I could see the winner chatting it up with a smile and thank yous to GMAC, Garnier Shampoo, and Quaker State for helping them get to Victory Lane.

I actually got to watch and enjoy (a boring race for the first 120 laps) the race from start to finish. I fast-forwarded through the commercials, some of the other things that I didn’t care about and managed to watch the whole thing in two and a half hours. The ending was very surprising! So surprising in fact, that I actually leapt to my feet from off my bed. Time will tell if Brian Vickers can beat the Talladega first time winner’s curse.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about… Google it. There are legends about the Talladega Speedway being built on Indian Burial ground. And only a few first time Nextel Race winners have gone on to have further success in racing. The majority of those first timers never have any success in NASCAR or any other racing series for the rest of their careers.

Anyone remember Bobby Hillin Jr.? How about Dick Brooks?

And some of the strangest things that I’ve ever seen in racing occur at Talladega. I always like to see what can possibly happen at Talladega. One day, I hope to attend a race there in person.

Now back to the wedding gigs… I got a little tickled at the reception on Saturday. The Best Man had a facial tic. And before you start pointing your finger and thinking that I’m making fun of him, I wasn’t. It just kind of caught me funny when he was nervous about his toast speech. He was delivering a rather unmemorable toast while twitching like Gene Anderson, one half of one of the greatest wrestling tag teams in history, The Minnesota Wrecking Crew.

I fully expected him to say something like… “My brother Ole is right! (twitch) We’re going to pull off your arm and feed it to you! (twitch) The only way you’re going to escape the steel cage is going through it like a strainer! (twitch) We’ve gone ahead and called the hospital and told them to stock up on AB Negative! (twitch) YOU’RE blood type!”

During the dancing portion of the evening, the Bride came up to the DJ table, bent over and stuck her hand down the front of her dress. She searched wildly for her cigarettes and when she found them, she hid them under the cloths we use to conceal the mess of wires used with the equipment. At first, I was thinking… Wow! The Bride is going to give us a free show here! Or maybe she’s recruiting a tag team for her wedding night?!

From what I understood, everyone was well aware of the Bride’s smoking habit. I didn’t really understand why she was stashing smokes at the DJ table. Oh well, everyone has his or her little idiosyncrasies.

Sunday’s ceremony and reception was more like a comedy of errors. The old folks will tell you… If the ceremony and reception goes off with more than a few wrinkles, which means a marriage that will last.

The Unity Candle wouldn’t light and they did something with Memory Chains (?). They are under the cake and twelve people have been chosen to pull out those chains before they cut the cake. The chains have symbols or something on them meaning different things and wishes. It seems kind of stupid to me, because the couple already knows what each chain stands for. It’s not like a fortune cookie or anything like that, so what’s the point?

Two of the chains broke and when the final and twelfth person went to pull theirs out, there were no chains left. Faux pas!

Coup and I were hassled by some chicks that wanted to shake their booties to some music with a beat. So I said, “You see the dance floor now? The floor is full, dancing to a slow song. I’m willing to put up my paycheck against yours, that as soon as we play your request, they are going to clear out.”

I also explained that day gigs are the toughest when it comes to getting folks to the dance floor. They aren’t drinking as much and those inhibitions are still there. And also, it was Sunday. Folks aren’t going to let it all hang out when they have jobs to go to the next day.

As soon as her request hit the eardrums of those on the dance floor, it was like a RAID commercial. Folks were scattering like roaches and I got to give a knowing smile and nod of the head to someone who doesn’t have a clue as to how these things work.

Seriously folks, leave the wedding DJ alone. In most cases, they know what they’re doing and Coup Delicious is one of the best. Professional DJ’s are just that, professional. They know the animal and it should be left to professionals. Sure, you, the groom, and three others may have special memories built around the beach and a Tupac song. We’ll play it, but I can guarantee that the floor will clear out before Shakur can make it to the chorus.