Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Getting Shatner Faced

I’m experiencing further issues with old mandom this week. Simply put, I have the gout. BUT! This time it didn’t rear its ugly head in a red, angry big toe on my left foot. It hit my right ankle. What in the hot buttered hell? How does it pick and choose its spots like that? Is that normal??

I felt it coming on Sunday afternoon, but I dismissed it as a possible strain of some type. But when nature’s call woke me during the night, I couldn’t put hardly any weight on my right foot. It was the most painful 30 feet that I’ve ever taken on in order to lessen my bladder. I made every face in William Shatner’s overacting repertoire. I may have added some that he’s unaware of, I don’t know. I did manage to complete my journey without waking Jamie up.

Of course, she just had to touch my swollen ankle once she woke up. And that felt like 40 hells right there! I nearly kicked her teeth in. I wish that I could accurately explain what the pain feels like, but for me, it may feel the same as having surgery without anesthesia or pain killers.

I was down for the count on Monday. I was scheduled to be on ‘The Beer Dads’ podcast, but I had to back out. I’ve been wanting to be on that joker since I became a stepfather. I feel like I have a perspective that hasn’t been explored on the show yet.

Jamie wrangled up a cane for me to use. We had a couple in storage that her stepfather used during his bout with cancer. There was one that had a four-point base made of metal. It had more stability, but very clumsy when it came to storing it “out of the way”. The classic wooden cane has proven to be a great help in getting around.

I had to do some running around on Tuesday and luckily, Sam was around (UNCW is closed until further notice due to Hurricane Florence) to drive me to those appointments. Since I gas and brake with my right foot, I didn’t want to deal with the pain of using the brake.

I had to drop Lucy, AKA “The Little Lover”, off at the vet for a teeth cleaning. And then I had to have a medical procedure a little later in the morning. Lucy’s breath is now as fresh as a Spring rain. It’s wonderful!

My bladder needed to be lessened this morning about 4 and the 30 feet jaunt to and from relief really fired up the pain. So instead of tossing and turning, I finally got at 5:30 to let Jamie sleep uninterrupted.

The walk down to the coffee maker was a journey that felt like Annie Wilkes from ‘Misery’ had her turn with my right ankle. But the cane has been a great help with the stairs in this house and over at Bait and Bobbie’s (Sam and I dropped by for a few beers yesterday afternoon).

I expected all kinds of stares while using the thing, but I never noticed anything like that. And when I got to my medical appointment, I was the only one in a crowd of folks older than myself with any walking issues. They were practically turning cartwheels in and out of the examination rooms just to show off their youthful and pain-free exuberance.

I’m not expecting any real relief until Sunday. So, the cane will be a part of my life until then. And it’s cool. I’ve always wanted to walk with a cane, but I didn’t want to be called out like Bill on ‘Newsradio’. Enjoy the clip!

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