Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Heart 'The Essential Heart'

My friend Tim Beeman congratulated me this past Sunday evening. He was the first to give me the good news… I had been drafted by the St. Louis Rams!

I’m the Rams’ latest defensive end, but I haven’t seen any paperwork yet. I haven’t heard about whether there’s a signing bonus either. The whole thing is like a Hollywood movie! I can’t believe that my football career that involves only one year playing at Northwest Guilford has blown up and brought me to the big leagues. My bags are packed and I’m ready to take my place in or near the city with an arch stretching over some river.

I wasn’t that good back then because I simply wouldn’t memorize the plays. I remember Coach Brown saying, “Sims, if you learned the plays you’d be dangerous.”

I was playing on the defense and since my mission was to stop the guy with the ball and take it from him, why memorize some stupid play?

Defense is simple. Stop the person with the ball and take it from them. There was no need to complicate things with X’s and O’s and lines with pointy things on them. Go after the person with the ball. The St. Louis Rams know what they’re doing and I have been justified.

I’m 43. My eyesight requires that I use reading glasses now. I think arthritis has settled into my hands and my stomach is as sensitive as a baby’s butt now. I get strange stabbing pains that come and go like flash floods. I don’t understand the appeal of the “screamo” type of hard rock that is filling the ear holes of our youth. And my girlfriend doesn’t remember Barnaby Jones.

But here I am! Ready to take my place alongside the notables in Rams history… Like Jack Youngblood, that famous black running back, and Warren Beatty.

My life now has a storybook plot and I couldn’t be happier. I’ve placed several calls to the Rams’ front office, but haven’t heard anything back yet. I’ve called ESPN and left a few comments, but since I don’t watch that network on even a semi-regular basis, I don’t know if they’ve used my comments. I’ve also made myself available to all of the local television and newspaper sports departments, but I kept getting disconnected.

I was about to give up on living the American Dream. Oh sure, I’ve had my share of strippers, firearms, tattooed women, DVD’s, Ford vehicles, rolling luggage, and prescription drugs. But I never thought that I’d ever be playing football in the National Football League.

I don’t even know how they got my résumé. If this is dreaming folks, I don’t want to wake up.

I’ve started taking better care of my health since I heard about being drafted. I have a lot of work to do. I’ve got to trade in at least 80 pounds of my manly girth for muscle and it’s not going to be easy. But since I’ve made it to the big time, I’ll just hire a trainer and become buff overnight.

Wish me luck! I hope to make the people of St. Louis proud without an embarrassing sexual liaison on or near an Interstate highway.

I will also keep every one of you informed. Remember… My journey wouldn’t be complete without you going along. I love you all!


  1. My son plays defensive end though probably not as good as you. I'm sure you are in better condition. My son is slack he only manages to work out 5 days a week year round. No doubt you go 6 or 7. He's only 6'2", 207 lbs. That's small so he might switch to linebacker. What is your 40 and shuttle times? Again I'm sure you are faster.

  2. My 40 is under 15 minutes and I prefer Miller High Life. As for shuttle, I don't know what you're talking about.

  3. Anonymous4:42 PM

    shuttle... that is the service I provide while fetching your MHL.

  4. well yes the shuttle is transportation. Also the shuttle run is something players are timed on.

  5. SimpleM5:23 PM

    I thought the shuttle was going to be taken out of service after the next few launches. Now they are using it to time football players. Ah the wonders of modern science.