Friday, April 16, 2010

Cracker 'Gentleman's Blues'

Back some years ago, I was involved with a developmental show on Rock 92. Weather Dave and Will Bastard were the main players with me as the producer and call screener.

Trust me, there weren’t that many callers. Especially on a Sunday afternoon.

Since my personal life didn’t include a woman at the time, the guys thought it would be a hoot to get me dates from a website and talk about it on the air. At that particular point in my life, I couldn’t get a date to save my big white butt. I was having one of my full-on dry spells.

Those dry spells weren’t unusual for me. Just like anything else, it was a cyclical kind of thing. From about 18 to 24, I enjoyed a wonderful period of female bounty. My friends were referring to me as the “chick magnet”. I was playing the field like both Ken Griffey and Ken Griffey Jr.

And when it came crashing down, it went past the basement. Like The Byrds have sung, “To every season… Turn, turn, turn”. To every down side, there’s an up side. I just had to be patient and ride it out.

I found different hobbies. I read more. And I got to know my friends better whether they liked it or not. I was a nuisance to my family.

Dave and I searched around different websites looking for something free since we had no budget for dating shenanigans. After conferring with Josh from the Murphy in the Morning show, I went with one of the more adult dating sites. A site that was basically a meat market with a few misguided individuals actually looking for true love.

I signed up and got a few nibbles. Since I wasn’t a paying member of the site, I couldn’t return any of those nibbles. And to be quite honest, I didn’t have to since that dry spell was being washed out by an unexpected monsoon.

We never fully realized the idea on the Weather Dave Will Bastard Show and that was probably a good thing. But to this day, I still get updates on “Hotties I should meet in my area” from that website. I never deleted my free membership and I haven’t logged in for years. I’m not even sure that I remember the password.

I read every one of those updates from the website because they’re so damn entertaining. Here are a few examples:

30-year-old woman from Winston Salem, North Carolina.
"i like having fun life is to short not to ball out of control"

36-year-old woman from Alamance, North Carolina.
"i am looking for someone who does not need to be here"

32-year-old woman from Danville, Virginia.
"I am a sexy chocolate 23 year old female who loves anal action and swallowing."

30 year old woman from Pleasant Garden, North Carolina.
"My husband has cheated on me and I have been a good and faithful wife for 25 years."

You can make your own jokes with each entry. Many of them have lots of misspellings that aren’t on purpose. I also get the feeling that a few of these women that say they’re in town for a few months are making a quick buck by using these sites for their independent contracting business… If you know what I mean.

Sometimes pictures will accompany the update, but they usually say they’re too erotic to be shown or they have a silhouette of a woman or couple. Yes, couples are out there trolling too.

One of the funniest pictures attached to a profile had a more than shapely 30 year-old woman from Stuart, Virginia with short hair standing next to someone’s grave. Why this person chose a gravesite photo for her profile is beyond me. I know that a tombstone doesn’t really fire up my passion for red hot romance, but to each their own I suppose.

Every update is a source of a few laughs for me. And I like to share a few with Jamie, my girlfriend. She seems to be just as sick as I am.

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