19Wheels '5UGAR33N'

As I understand it, cravings are the body’s way of telling you something. That’s why dogs will eat cat turds from litter boxes… They’re craving something that can be found in a cat’s refuse. Oh sure, the feline species have been laughing their hindquarters off about it for centuries, but a dog eating cat cakes is something that should be taken seriously. All cravings should be taken seriously.

Last week I answered the craving calling and for the first time in my life (I’m 42 years old) I purchased fruit. This particular milestone made me feel lighter in my shoes… It made me happy.

I had been craving pineapple and so I dropped by my local Food Lion and found me some little prepackaged cups. It took awhile, but I managed to find some packed in pineapple juice without the sugar. I was pretty proud of myself. It was a bold step out of my usual line of the eating junk that will surely put me into an early grave.

Sure enough, there had to be one detractor during my personal triumph… A coworker had to rain on my own back-patting session by calling my cups of pineapple “processed”.

“You’ve seen pineapples, right?” I asked. “I’ll take processed pineapple over fresh every time. You need a Black & Decker just to get to the delicious meat of the pineapple. Who has that kind of time?”

I know I don’t and besides… I’m lazy when it comes to skinning and gutting a pineapple… As if I’ve done it. It just looks like something difficult to do while keeping fingers in tact.

I can’t seem to stop eating the stuff these days. I consume at least 2 of those processed cups everyday. I’m prepared to start buying 12-ounce cans of it by the case. I love the stuff so much that I’ve found myself passing fruit stands that aren’t on the way home.

I’ve been thinking about trying Pineapple Upside Down Cake for the first time… Eating a Hawaiian Pizza… Concocting a drink with pineapple juice and Jim Beam… And paying women to let me suck pineapple rings off their ass cheeks. I’m suddenly in the grips of some sort of pineapple madness. No other fruit has ever caused me to act this way… My raisin lust of the mid-70’s was just a phase. But this passion for pineapple feels like the real thing. I’m starting to think that pineapple may just very well be my soul mate of produce.

Just writing about it right now is causing my jaw a little pain and my saliva glands are working up a flood in my Jonestown of a mouth.

Screw it!

I’m cutting this update short and getting myself a cup of pineapple. It’s so delicious and loaded with potassium!

--I've finally joined the Twitter ranks. I wasn't too keen on the idea a year ago, but if I'm going to get my first justifiable homicide... I need a pool of stalkers to choose from, right?