Tuesday, April 10, 2007

The Non-Conformist Cult Radio Show 4/2/04

If you didn’t already know, I was born a male.

I’m generally male all the way, baby!

First of all… I love women. I don’t understand them one bit, but I love them. All shapes, sizes, and colors. And that’s always been one of the things over the years that has assured me that I am in fact, a man.

Last Friday, I was told that I had to pick up two propane heaters that towered at least 8 feet high. We needed them for 1075 KZL’s Murphy in the Morning show yesterday as they broadcasted from First Horizon Park.

The forecast for morning lows were quite chilly and we got those gigantic propane heaters from High Point Rentals to keep Murphy’s crew warm.

Here’s the rub…

I had never messed with anything propane in my life!

I have never even lit a propane grill for cooking!

When I was told about these heaters… I immediately had visions of someone accidentally set on fire, someone losing a limb, or someone losing their eyesight. And in those visions, that someone was me.

I’ll admit it. I was a little frightened about the prospects of lighting those huge heaters.

Before I actually had to jump off cars with jumper cables, I would move away from the vehicles during the process. I would RUN at least 30 feet away from the cars as they were utilizing those cables. I had fears of batteries exploding with acid all over my beautiful face and luscious body.

I was born a male. I had the genitalia or at least some of it… But when it came to doing “manly” things, I usually steer clear of such things. I drive a truck, drink beer, watch NASCAR, and that’s about it. I don’t hunt and I don’t fish. I have a tool box, but it’s filled with water based paints and brushes for my artistic and geeky endeavors.

And if television has taught me anything… From commercials, sitcoms, to King Of The Hill… Propane is a manly gas used for cooking and heating things.

I was a pale imitation of a man until yesterday morning.

Brian at High Point Rentals quickly and thoroughly explained how to hook up the heaters and crank them up to heat up the Murphy crew. He calmed my fears and put me at ease with the operation of those heaters.

I hooked up them up and yelled in my newly found manly voice for coworker Heather and intern Jessi to STAND BACK! Propane was about to be used.

I did exactly as Brian instructed and YOWSA! Propane gas was firing up everything within 10 feet of the heater. Sure, the little clicking of the ignition was a little unsettling, but I held steady.

None of my fears came to fruition. I felt like the man inside of me had finally hatched. I felt empowered. I felt worthy of having hair growing out of my face. I felt like resting my fists on my hips and constantly looking upwards to my left like a super hero.

Propane is indeed a magical gas capable of birthing boys into the world of manhood.


  1. Anonymous10:06 AM

    Ohh boy.. maybe when I finally stop laughing I can type ;)... so much to say lol.

    Eugene I have to admit when I first started reading your much awaited blog :P I thought you were gonna go off in a whole other direction!

    As for Propane being able to birth boys into men... now maybe I am wrong, which I feel I am not lol but I thought that glory went to us Women!

    Anyway.. with that little gem aside.. may I welcome you to world of grown ups.. men and in fact superheros lol. Now the next time the world is in need we will know who to call ;) Eugene 'da man' Sims!

  2. Anonymous12:08 PM

    When you're able to jump-start a car with propane, then your Man Card will be reinstated.

  3. Anonymous3:33 PM

    My husband backed into a propane heater in a warehouse while talking on the phone and caught on fire about 14 years ago. He had to go to the emergency room. His pants melted to him. He's okay now. That's what I think of when propane heater is mentioned.

  4. Anonymous6:39 PM

    Hysterical... Freakin hysterical... Dying laughing...!!!
    Worth the wait, for sure.

  5. Anonymous8:01 AM

    Your manliness will only be noticed if you can prove you didn't squeal like a little schoolgirl, just like Bobby Hill.

    Haha...you said pale imitation of a man....like anything's changed.

  6. Thank you Charles for that vote of confidence... Are you still afraid of Shonna's dog Eros?

    Yeah... That's manly. :)

    And for the record, I haven't squealed since I was at least 13. That's when my voice went all deep and sexy.