Friday, March 09, 2007

Blondie 'Autoamerican'

It appears that the ACC Tournament has fired up and March Madness has reached fever pitch. It seems that everyone around me is caught up in this college basketball frenzy.


I couldn’t care less about any college sports, especially basketball. I think I figured out my reasons a few years ago…

While growing up, my neighbors around the block would shoot hoops in their driveway. They would include me and when I started to play, I would have to take off my glasses so they wouldn’t get broken. I am incredibly near-sighted. The net would constantly disappear and reappear depending on how close I was to it. My shots were usually “air balls” or just plain bad. I received the basketball nickname, “Dead Eye” Sims.

I tried watching basketball, but it just never excited me. To me, it is almost as boring as watching soccer. And the worst part, when there are only a few minutes left in a game, it can take 30 minutes to play out that remaining time because everyone keeps calling a time-out. Good God! Just get it over with!

I made the mistake of dating a Duke fan for almost 6 years. I didn’t care that she watched basketball and she knew that when she started talking about it… I would look something like this…

Years ago during the Bobby Hurley reign, Duke were playing UNC-G at the Greensboro Coliseum. And being the guy that I am, I purchased two tickets to this event in order to surprise her.

When that day came, I took her to dinner and then we headed to the Coliseum. She didn’t have a clue as to what I was doing. Once I pulled into the parking lot she had a look on her face as if she just got a whiff of dog crap and she asked, “We’re going to the Duke game?”

“Yes,” I said. “I thought you’d enjoy it.”

“But they’re playing UNC-G,” she said with her unmistakable tone of displeasure. “They’re NOBODY and no one cares about this game.”

I was a little hurt that she didn’t care about how much I thought she’d enjoy the event. I was going to something that I consider boring and a waste of good television hours in order to make her happy and it didn’t.

Once we got into the Coliseum, I handed her my keys knowing that she couldn't drive a stick and said, “I’m getting drunk.”

Last night at our Hooter’s remote, I was asked several times about previous games during the day. I had no clue and had just found out the ACC Tournament had started already. When the Tournament is in Greensboro, I try to keep up with when the game times so that I can avoid the Coliseum traffic.

Why folks care about that stuff is beyond me.

And ladies, this may be hard to believe, but I’m single. I also know how to put the seat and lid back down on the toilet.


  1. Anonymous11:10 AM

    But beware ladies--Eugene allegedly smells like celery. Approach at your own risk.

  2. Anonymous2:55 PM

    Sadly, this ACC tournament is looking like a bust. Duke out, Carolina in. Plus, the whole 12-team thing is killing me. I long for the days of the sweet 8-team conference. Those were the days!

    I went to go watch Duke play UNCG last season... it was a sad day for the Spartans, but a great day for me, because I got to see Duke play in person.. something unimaginable if they are playing a real team. For some reason my friends thought that, as a UNCG graduate, I should have been cheering for them. They were mistaken.

  3. Anonymous2:58 PM

    I'm telling you, Brad... that's not celery.

    Eugene, Eugene, Eugene. Any real Duke fan would have been thrilled to see them play a game against UNC-G. And she should have granted you many favors of your favorite variety for such a wonderful surprise. There's no telling what I might have done for tickets during the Bobby Hurley days. Of course, there's nothing quite like experiencing a game at Cameron. I've been fortunate enough to attend a few there.

    My hubby and son are big-time Virginia Tech fans (in case you really don't pay attention, VA Tech joined the ACC a few years ago). We had a great time seeing them play UNC-G in the G'boro Coliseum earlier this year.

    ACC Basketball rocks. I read this morning that entire ticket books fo the tournament in Florida were going for $150 yesterday before the start of the first game. That's just tragic. Dear ACC commissioners - THE TOURNAMENT BELONGS IN GREENSBORO, DAMMIT!

    I must go and sulk now, since my precious Blue Devils (deservedly) lost last night. Go Hokies, Go to Hell Tarholes...

    Oh, and Kim, if I ever meet you, remind me to buy you a beverage. I think we'd get along just fine.

  4. Anonymous4:09 AM

    Because I know Eugene loves the basketball talk...
    It looks like I am forced to root for State, oh the agony! But when faced with the team that put my team out or the worst team in the universe, what else can I do?

  5. Anonymous6:26 AM

    "You" people crack me up with the "worse team in the universe" and the "tarholes" comments. I am not by any means a Tarheel fan. in fact I'm a Duke fan. I do however happen to be married to a die hard Tarheel fan. Makes games way more interesting than they used to be. I am pulling for Carolina to win it all this year for two reasons. First it will make my hubby happy and second kinda reminds me of the "good ole days" (meaning the 80's) then they used to just about win every year. Thanks for the giggles. I have been needing those lately.

  6. Anonymous1:28 PM

    Eugene, your lack of enthusiasm for the ACC Tourney dumbfounds is the best time of year,and watching Carolina play for the title is the best!!!!

    Needless to say, the best thing about this time of year is watching the selection show and seeing who's in and who's out. I love seeing the team live that doesn't get in. The sad looks on their faces are priceless. Maybe State can be a bubble team, along with Clemson.

    Also, that whole fouling every 2 second in the final minute of the game sucks balls.

    Go Heels!!!

  7. Charles,

    For you to understand my perspective on the ACC Tourney... Would you stick your wanker into a meat grinder?


    Well that's the same appeal that watching basketball has for me. I'd just rather not do it.