‘All Funked Up And No Place To Go’ A mix tape by Chip Kinney

I’m really starting to warm up to the technology of the Internet. Please let me explain…

Last week, I missed the ECW program on the Sci-Fi Channel and so I visited the ECW website to kind of go over what I had missed by reading the recaps. It turned out that Ric Flair entered an ECW ring for the first time and faced The Big Show for the ECW World Heavyweight Championship.

Ric Flair has never really competed in anything “hardcore”. Sure, he’s bled on at least 6 continents in steel cages, no DQ matches, and first blood matches. But I’ve never seen the Nature Boy wield a baseball bat wrapped in “barbed wire” (I believe it’s of the plastic variety) and thrown into a spread of thumb tacks until I logged onto the ECW website. The match was on the website in it’s entirety. It is truly beautiful what that man will do for our entertainment.

The funny part was watching the faces of the women in the crowd because they were truly concerned for the safety and well being of the sports entertainers (the wrestlers Ric Flair and The Big Show). It amazes me how someone can suspend their disbelief so high to think that they’re truly seeing something horrific and barbaric.

And that’s not all…

Old Peaches Music & Video mate, Brad, sent me a link to the unaired and unreleased pilot of Buffy The Vampire Slayer a few weeks ago. And today, he sent me a link to Dark Side Over The Rainbow complete with all the weird little synch-ups of Pink Floyd’s ‘Dark Side Of The Moon’ and The Wizard Of Oz film.

I’m watching things online. I’m ordering CD’s and DVD’s online. I’m participating in auctions on eBay. I’m renting movies online with Netflix (feel free to buddy up: eugenebsims@yahoo.com). And I’m paying bills with my check card on the Internet.

Ten years ago, if you would have listed out all the things that I’m doing right now, I would have gladly called a cab to take you to Dorthea Dix Hospital. I hated computers and I didn’t understand them. I didn’t want to understand them.

I remember wanting to catalog all of my LP’s and 45’s onto some sort of storage or computer program and I asked my buddy Jonathan to show me. He talked and talked about things that were whizzing around my head like flies with jet packs. I didn’t grasp a single thing until I explained what I wanted and was told that it couldn’t happen.

Hell, I still don’t understand what someone means when something has 3 gigabytes or what KB means in computer talk. To me, it’s like the metric system times 100. It’s like trying to understand why the rest of the world is crazy about soccer.

I remember working at Peaches Music & Video when we had inventory books and sleeves used for reordering products like LP’s and CD’s. And someone had to introduce a computer and I went into a horrified panic.

But I grasped it and managed not to soil myself in the first few hours of the learning process. Of course, it helped that our instructor T.J. was a hottie.

Last week, we had a small intimate concert for 1075KZL listeners with Anna Nalick. I took a picture of Christine’s daughter thinking that if I told someone usually in charge of such things that I wanted a copy of it… That it would be no problem.

After a few days of not getting it in my email, I went to that person. As it turned out, she had nothing to do with the picture and suggested that I look on the “server”.

I had heard of this “server”, but I had no idea what it meant or how to find it. Would I need some sort of electronic bloodhound?

Here’s the weird part… Some people have been actually fooled into thinking that I’m smart about computers. My older neighbors hit me with questions and I manage to come up with the answers. I would “experiment” with the computers when I worked at the Capitol Records distribution center and managed to find my way around to play little jokes or fix something my coworkers couldn’t. There’s even a few people that I work with now that think I know a computer inside and out.

But this “server” to me is a mythical beast like a Pegasus or a Centaur and just because they talk about it, doesn’t make it exist.

But hats off to Allison Moore! She explained the beast to me today and I understood completely. Although now, I believe the server to be the electronic equivalent of the vast Pentagon storage room where the Cigarette Smoking Man from the X-Files stores the various evidence taken from Mulder and Scully that prove the fantastic conspiracies of government cover-ups.

Still, I don’t know how to access this “server” but I know where it roams. Eventually, our paths will cross and I will no longer stare and blink unknowingly when a coworker says, “You can find it on the server.”

Instead, I will give them the idea that I know how to find the server and walk off. Then I will park myself in front of a computer for about 6 or 7 curse word filled hours until I either find it or give up and go get drunk.