Thursday, May 04, 2006

Vinyl Devotion ‘Floor Model’

Have you ever blown on a cat’s asshole?

Well I have.

My cat Monroe was just a young thing and I got tired of her walking around with her “balloon knot” out there for everyone to see. Cats, they walk around with that tail up in the air all the damn time like they’ve got the prettiest assholes in the world.

My hands were full one day and she’s walking around on the counter (a no-no btw), I blew on her asshole in the hopes of shooing her off. She puckered that thing up and looked over her shoulder as if I had stuck a banana in there. I lost it and started laughing like a madman.

As far as I know, we as human beings are the only species out there that takes the time and manners to cover up our corn hole. Cats just don’t care…

Lets put into perspective… Lets say that you go to the Wendy’s Drive-Thru and place your order. When you pull up to the first window you see the Drive-Thru attendants asshole before you see their smiling face.

And if you take the time to look around, just about everyone in your world has his or her poop-shooter out there on display. Because that’s just the way things are… Can you imagine that?

That sounds horrible doesn’t it?

That shit wouldn’t bother a cat. And dogs would have a field day!

Hell, you know that every dog would stop and take a sniff to see if they and the Drive-Thru attendant go WAY BACK. Dogs just go for it. They don’t even need your posterior unclothed before sticking a nose in there.

I remember a story that my Uncle Gray told me when I was just a kid in Elementary school…

A long time ago, before there were people, dogs ruled the world and they had built up cities and communities like we have today. Dogs attended schools and when they went in for class, all the dogs would place their buttholes on a hook… Much like the ones you hang your coat on.

And one day the school caught on fire and all the dogs went off in a crazy panic. As they were all trying to leave, they just grabbed a butthole off a hook. Any hook, it didn’t matter. Any butthole will do because they were running for their lives.

And to this very day, every dog out there have been looking for their own butthole.

I thought it was a funny story back then and I still pass it on today. So when any of my nieces or nephews questions me why dogs are always sniffing the business end, I’m ready with a quick answer. It’s better than the truth and much funnier.

And whatever cat stories you hear from my friend Sean Whitley, please keep in mind that they aren’t true. He’s told a lot of embarrassing things to people about the time that I blew on Mo’s salad bowl. He’s quite the embellisher.


  1. Anonymous4:09 PM

    OMG! That first line will definitely get your attention! You ARE underground doubt.

  2. Does that mean you liked it?

  3. Anonymous9:13 PM


    I know Sean quite well. He is quite the literalist. Very dry.

    I mean, if he said he saw Eugene with his tounge in there, you could bet it happened.

  4. Anonymous11:05 PM

    Why am I hearing Eugene saying, " butt..." in his Barry White voice?

  5. Anonymous4:07 AM

    I am unsure of whether it is a good or bad thing that the first thing I thought of after reading the opening line was "Oh yeah! Sean told me all about that!"

  6. Anonymous8:04 AM

    I can't believe THIS is all you have to talk about. I'm thinking that our Uncle Grey would be impressed that you remembered such a story, but at the same time I'm thinking that our Mother would be beyond consoling. I might need to rethink the trusting you alone with Chloe thingy. (haha!) I do remember a time when you had Chloe saying that she wanted to marry Monroe. That should of been a sign to me then, huh?

  7. Anonymous1:47 PM

    This must be the dark side of the Internets that I hear so much about: Kitty Porn.

  8. Anonymous3:55 PM

    Oh Pam, I agree with you 100%. The shock! The horror! Your mother would be beyond consoling at the thought that her smart, creative son was making people laugh with cat ass stories. And you should absolutely rethink your position on trusting your brother alone with your daughter. After all, just imagine the quirky, offbeat, open-minded sense of humor she might pick up. It just isn't to be borne, I tell you!