Butthole Surfers 'Electriclarryland'

Okay. I’m writing this because I know for a fact that the person that I’ll be discussing will not EVER bother to read my blog. And, you don’t know her anyway.

With that said, here goes…

This past Monday, I hung out with a friend of mine. We don’t get to spend as much time together as we once did. He has a wife, a daughter, and real responsibilities. You know the drill or, at the very least, you’ve seen the menu.

We both set the day aside for watching some mindless violence on DVD. I had received an XPW title from Netflix and we wanted to watch some guys roll around in barbed wire for our entertainment.

His wife is now working first shift and that means that I have to lose a little sleep to hang with my friend and his daughter.

My friend is cool enough to call me to let me know that there’s some repaving being done on his street. It was a courtesy heads up and it was appreciated. That way, I could figure out the parking situation.

I usually park on the street, but that was now out of the question. If I park in the driveway, the wife gets all pissed off.

I chose to park in the front yard. I wouldn’t take up valuable real estate by dropping anchor in the driveway. I have a truck and they’re made for such rugged off road excursions. So, I’m thinking there will be peace in the valley.

As soon as I walk into my friend’s house to greet him (it’s expected of you to just walk in), he tells me the angle his wife will take.

It wouldn’t be enough for me to leave the driveway for her, I would be killing the grass so he wouldn’t have to mow it.

That’s her take on things.

Lets all keep in mind that I’ve tried to be quiet. I’ve tried to be respectful. But, I really have a problem with crazy people. Especially those crazy people who think that they have the answers for everyone else, but yet their very own lives are in turmoil and chaos.

It doesn’t matter what you TRY to do to please this woman, there is NO way to do it.

As he was preparing her lunch, we were trying to come up with the different ways of how she would be displeased about Roxy (my truck) being parked in the front yard.

Then she came in and as expected, asked me why I was killing her grass.

I simply told her that there could be no winning with her. If I had parked in the driveway, either I wouldn’t have pulled up to her liking or, I would have been asked as to why I didn’t park in the yard.

If this scenario arises again, I am going to park around the block on a side street and hoof it.

She sits down to eat the lunch prepared by her husband. She first asks for a beverage without using the word “please”. She has a very Archie Bunker like attitude with her husband, Edith.

I don’t know how we even got on the subject, but I’m a sexist.

That’s right. According to her, I’m a sexist.

I’m trying to keep in mind that she’s ill informed and crazy. I’m trying to keep in mind that she’s married to a very good friend of mine. I’m trying to keep in mind that deep down I really like her.

BUT… I can’t let the comment pass. I need clarification.

To her, I tend to objectify women.

True. I love women. I adore women. I will gladly chew on aluminum foil just to spend a few more hours with News 2 Meteorologist, Rachel Peterson.

http://www.wfmynews2.com/insidewfmy/bios/rachelPeterson.asp

I was brought up to respect all women. I open doors for ladies. I even open doors for ladies that I don’t know. When I’ve got a friend of the female persuasion with me, I will open the door to my truck for her. If she’s driving her vehicle, I will open the door for her if at all possible.

My favorite sport is NASCAR. And all motor sports have women competing right along with the men. No special starting point like golf. No separate division just for women. It’s all about equality, baby.

The women are wheel to wheel with the men. And usually, you’ll hear me cheering for them.

Shirley Muldowney, Janet Guthrie, Shawna Robinson, Kim Crosby, and Patty Moise all kick major ass.

Back in 1990, Patty Moise broke the one lap closed course speed record at Talladega Speedway at almost 217 mph. She’s tough. Most men would crap in their pants if they were in a car at that speed. She has my respect and it’s not just because she has ovaries.

All of those ladies deserve a hell of a lot of respect and I give it to them as I do with every lady that I come in contact with.

I just couldn’t understand where all this was coming from.

My friend kicked in his two cents and she also believes that he’s a sexist as well.

Yeah… The man who just made her lunch and will prepare her dinner as well. He’s a sexist?

My friend and I knew that we could never make her see any form of reason and eventually the subject was dropped.

The wife said, “Honey, there was this black family that came into Golden Corral the other night and the mother was carrying a switch with her.”

The bastard in me could not let this one go by unnoticed.

“You’re a racist,” I said.

“What?” she asked with wide eyes.

“You’re a racist.”

“How so?” she asked.

I told her that she pointed out that the family was black.

“I was describing them to you guys,” she said.

“You see color first, don’t you?”

“Eugene, my best friend is black,” she proudly proclaimed.

“That’s funny. Because that’s what most racists say when they are accused of being a racist,” I told her with a smug look on my face.

Of course, I didn’t mean any of it. I was just enjoying watching her trying to make sense of it all.

I don’t think we’ll ever see eye to eye. I don’t think that she’ll ever see anything eye to eye with anyone.

And you know what, that’s okay.